The Postpartum Updates

Photo Credit: Stacy Mae Photography

Siena is now about to turn 5 years old. That seems so old to me! Five years old seems like a big milestone. She will be entering Kindergarten and life will change for us in a big way. The amount of time we spend together will be greatly impacted. All of the routines as we know it will shift. We will both be bombarded with many new situations, people, expectations, and just ALL the things.

If you have been here for awhile you may know our story. Yes, now I call it “our” story. Siena came two months early via emergency c-section. Lots of unknowns and quick decisions, a long with blood transfusions and a lengthy NICU stay. God was so faithful during that time. My delivery despite it’s challenges was peaceful. Siena thrived in the NICU, recovered, and is a healthy, happy kid today!

Unfortunately, I ended up suffering from PTSD, Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. I have been very open about it since day one. You can read more in-depth parts of my journey in previous blog posts. I encourage you to do so if you are feeling discouraged or struggling at the moment. I have been through many valleys where I could not find my way out for awhile. I was convinced I had failed at my task of caring for a family. I felt broken and confused for quite some time. I still have those days. But that is the point, I know they are days, or moments. No longer do I feel they are “forever.”

Many times over the past couple of years I have been confronted with the thought, “get over it.” Whether it was me saying it to myself or someone else suggesting it. I have often over committed myself because I feel like I “should” be able to do everything that comes my way. Mostly because now I adopted a new lie, that I “only” have one child. I mention lies because as I worked to overcome one set of lies Satan presented me with, he slowly started to add on new ones. Just to make sure I am never fully feeling joy, to make sure I am never clear or of sound mind. He is cunning and sly just as the Bible states. However, I am now resting in the promise that my God is greater. I repeat these things to myself in the times I feel myself getting on the hamster wheel of negative thoughts.

The healing journey that is mental health is not easy. However, it is possible. I recognize I will always be doing some sort of “work.” However, I am not doing it a lone. I am more aware and the harder the depression threatens to strike, the more I am on my knees in prayer. I know when I have essentially overwhelmed myself and I strive to set boundaries rather than do more.

But this all took learning. It took time with a counselor and on medication. There is no shame in reaching out for help in order to rehabilitate yourself or to keep yourself “in check.” I suspect I will always be learning, and overcoming. However, instead of hanging my head in shame over this, I am hopeful. Because this means God is continually doing a new thing in my life. As I walk this path I am able to share it with others. Being able to encourage another person is such a gift. As I stumble, struggle, and cry out, he is there. Each time he walks beside me or delivers me from a situation it bolsters my faith. My point is to encourage anyone walking through a dark season. There is light, it will not ALWAYS be this way. It is possible to heal, there is support, and different strategies that can be put into place to help you live through this and with this. I say that because although I feel delivered from the initial diagnosis. I still have to be mindful because other storms brew, life goes on. There are valleys as well as peaks. When I am in a valley I not longer want to dig a comfy pit of pity and despair. Or tune into only thoughts the devil wants to feed me. But pray for God to take hold of my thoughts and heart. To reach out to family members and trusted friends I know he has placed in my life. Ask for prayer and support to carry me through. Where as before I would hide from everyone and everything. I now have more of a plan and personal tools to deal with the struggles

I have so many more instances where I take a deep breath and tell myself this hard moment is temporary. When Siena is throwing a tantrum, instead of telling myself “she is always like this,” or “I do not know how to handle this.” I am able to recognize this is a moment in time, not an “all” the time. That tomorrow can be different and can be better. I am incredibly grateful for her, she surprises me, and makes me smile in the moments I need it the most. I thank God that I can now recognize that my family is my most important job. Although not the most revered or glamorous, he thought me fit to take care of this little one. For someone who thought she was unworthy of it i all, this is my daily reminder. That he has a purpose and a plan for my life.

In short, I still have a long way to go but I am more hopeful. I know I will still have tough days, weeks, and so on. However, I am looking at the path ahead with fresh eyes. With more self awareness, with increased communication with those around me, and giving myself a whole lot more grace. I know days may come where I feel like I should hide, not get out of bed. But I also know in those days God will pull me up, turn on the light and lead me to still waters.